Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

1. "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
   -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

2. "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
   -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

3. "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
   -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

4. "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
   -- George Burns

5. "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
   -- George Burns

6. "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
   -- George Burns

7. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
   -- George Burns

8. "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
   -- George Burns

9. "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
   -- Johnny Carson

10. "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
    -- Johnny Carson

11. "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
    -- Johnny Carson

12. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, Adult Sex Site, and rich food."
    -- Johnny Carson

13. "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
    -- Johnny Carson

14. "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
    Bill Cosby

15. ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
    Bill Cosby

16. "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
    Bill Cosby

17. "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
    Bill Cosby

18. "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
    Bill Cosby

19. "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
    Bill Cosby

20. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
    -- Rita Rudner

21. "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
    -- Rita Rudner

22. "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    -- Rita Rudner

23. "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
    -- Rita Rudner

24. "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    -- Rita Rudner

25. "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have Adult Sex Site again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
    -- Rita Rudner

26. "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

27. "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

28. "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

29. "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

30. "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

31. "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
    -- Steven Wright

32. "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
    -- Steven Wright

33. "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
    -- Steven Wright

34. "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
    -- Steven Wright

35. "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
    -- Steven Wright

Resource Box - Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp

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Seaweed and The Perfect Health Condition

Seaweed or algae are not easy to collect or to make available on the market, therefore, they dont always come cheap when compared to the sources of protein like soybean for instance. However, algae such as chlorella, for example, are considered complete from the point of view of the protein content, which has all the essential amino acids included. Studies have proved that chlorella has an enormous healing potential; therefore instead of finding recognition as healthy food, it was acclaimed as a natural remedy. Besides the high protein content, chlorella represents an important source of vitamins and minerals being recognized as an immune system builder, and a significant caloric intake.

Contrary to the expectations, chlorella makes an excellent element in the diet of those who want to lose some extra pounds. By bringing all the active principles necessary for the proper functioning of the organism, there is little to be completed from other sources. Therefore, instead of other protein intakes, over-weight people may include some extra fibers in their regular diet. At the level of the digestive tract, chlorella acts as a neutralizer of the excessive acidity in the stomach, being highly useful for people who suffer from gastro-intestinal reflux or ulcer. Chlorella is also helpful when it comes to constipation problems too, acting like a mild laxative.

Another kind of seaweed worth mentioning here is Fucus, a brown alga that grows in the Atlantic waters near rocky coasts. With a long tradition in the soap industry, Fucus has been recently included in the list of seaweed with a great healing potential for various health conditions. For instance, scientific research has concluded that the bacteria colonized on Fucus are great weapons against staphylococci resistant to antibiotics. Furthermore, Fucus in combination with essential minerals such as chromium and iodine is used in the treatment of nail and hair fragility, hair loss or baldness here included.

We should also mention that in some countries, seaweed salad is part of the daily menu, which is considered by some the key to healthy living. Chinese cuisine is by no means a stranger to such customs; you may try some algae dishes and see for yourself. To receive more info on herbal remedies and homeopathic cures, please subscribe to the silver bulletin e-news Club Seventeen Magazine HERE.

Peter Salazar's source for quality supplements is http://www.utopiasilver.com

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Saab - The Mark Of A Genius

The history of Saab is quite different from the history of most of the other cars. Saab is an acronym for Svenska Aeroplan Aktie (B)olaget-a Swedish airplane company established in 1938. This Saab factory located at Trollhattan (Sweden) was initially not into manufacturing automobiles. Saab produced aircraft for the Swedish Air Force. But as World War II was nearing its end, it was obvious that the demand for aircraft was going to decline. As a solution to this problem Saab decided to venture into the passenger car market. Gunnar Ljungstrm was given the responsibility to design the first Saab car.

The first Saab car was based on the ursaab prototype where ur in Swedish translates to original! This prototype had to pass many tests and it did really well for itself. This first car hit the roads in 1949 and was called the Saab 92. If you are thinking why 92, then it was because, numbers 90 and 91 were already assigned to the aircrafts that Saab had produced earlier. This mid-size car was in the aerodynamic shape of a wing. Not surprising considering that 17 aeronautical engineers designed it. Even more astounding is the fact that only one of them had a drivers license! This lack of experience in making cars was in actuality the plus point for these engineers. They now had the ability to look at problems with a new, fresh and unique point of view-that of an aircraft engineer. And the fact that Saab was a premier in aircraft design only added to the advantage. This Saab 92 had the best drag co-efficient of all the cars at that time. In fact this drag co-efficient of 0.32 is very good even by todays automobile standards. The Saab 92 is the first ever car known to have been designed with keeping the passengers safety in view. It had a cage meant for the passengers safety in case of accidents. Most of the Saab cars also have a surface mounted ignition, which Saab believes is also much safer in case of accidents. This idea too was adapted from the aircrafts that Saab built.

Several people marvel at the fact that the Saab cars interiors feel more like an aircraft cockpit than that of a car and customers are known to simply love it this way. Even today Saab makes high quality aircrafts, trucks, buses, spacecrafts, etc as well as high quality cars. Saab has given the world the best car innovations because of its unconventional thinking. These brilliant innovations include turbocharged technology and side impact protection, etc.

Saab manufactured cars like the Saab 93, Saab 95 and then moved on to make larger cars starting with Saab 99. But it was Saab 96 that made the Saab brand known to the entire world. Many of the Saab ALS Scan Models participated in a lot of car rallies in the earlier days.

In 1990 General Motors bought a 50% stake in Saab and in 2000, it took over all of Saab. Hence GM now fully owns Saab and this company that manufactures the Saab cars is known as Saab automobile AB.

The different famous ALS Scan Models of the Saab are as follows:

The 9-3 convertible-This car has a good suspension system and is the first car to receive a perfect safety rating of 5 under the Euro NCAP collision test programme.

The 9-3 sedan-It has one of the best engines and is devoid of any turbo lag. It offers highly comfortable seats.

The 9-3 sportcombi-This car has good fuel economy and is certainly worthier of the money than most similar other cars.

The 9-5 sedan-The car is spacious and one can stack just about anything in it. Its comfortable and works very well in any kind of tough terrain.

The 9-5 sportestate-This car is also roomy, comfortable and large.

The Saab ALS Scan Models are renowned for their new ideas and unconventional designs all over the world. They almost give you an aircraft for the cost of a car! Wow, who wouldnt want to have one of them!

Lance Dixon has been a leader in the Melbourne Prestige Car business since 1965. He owns and runs several prestige car dealerships in Melbourne.

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Kids Boots

Just like grown-ups, kids feet and legs need to be protected. Mud puddles, flooded driveways, and stinging wind are all culprits inviting colds and flus. With all these hazards lurking outside, wouldn't it be sensible to buy your munchkin a pair of kids boots? Just because they're safe doesn't mean they have to be ugly. There are whimsical boots for both boys and girls, in dozens of styles and materials. There is a kids boot tailored to your child's personality.

Although appearance is important to children, before you decide on the latest pair of trendy boots, take some practical factors into consideration. How sturdy is the boot? Will it last through the winter? Is it waterproof and easy to clean? Is the inside comfy and cozy?

Durable boots have reinforced soles that won't peel off with a child's rambunctious play. Because kids grow so quickly, it's a good idea to get a boot that's just half a size larger, both to accommodate thicker socks and to allow for growth which happens in just a couple of months. Resilience also plays a major role. Some stores carry suede boots that look fuzzy on the outside, but with the first rainy day, that pair will be ruined. Instead, waterproof boots made of vinyl, rubber, or other water resistant material will be easier to clean as you'll need to do frequently. If the outside is comfortable, how about the inside? A bare, unlined boot not only lets cold air penetrate, but can also be harsh on little feet. Lined boots insulate the foot, as well as keeping cold out. Even with all this function behind it, kids boots can be as attractive as they are easy to maintain.

Now that you know the basics of kids boots, let's look at some of the styles available in kids boots.

Some are super shiny and made of rubber, while others have a more subdued look. Other types are simply pull-on rubber boots that your child can put his already shoe-clad foot into. A few have cartoon characters printed on them, and some are available in bright solid colors.

Puffy kids boots are a favorite of children. The smooshy material is appealing, especially when there are plastic bubbles with snowflakes or hearts attached. Rubber boots are more versatile in design, in many prints and colors. Polka dots, stripes, and swirls are all great. What makes the plastic boot so much fun is that kids can customize them. With the proper paints, children can customize the boots to suit their own personalities. If your kids' time is filled with play and friends, a boot with cartoons on them might be perfect. Disney princesses, Blues Clues, Dora the Explorer, and Sponge Bob Squarepants are adorable prints that you will find on many kids boots.

Whatever pair of kids boots you choose, make sure they are comfortable, durable, washable and water resistant, lined, and cute!

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A Funny Thing Happened While I Was In The Forum

Yeah, I know. The title's not that original, but maybe it made somebody click thru and read at least this far.

That's the idea, isn't it? To get somebody interested enough to wander in and look around?

What this is really about is the value of forums to the internet marketing process.

You see, internet marketing CAN be what Ford, or GE, or Verizon does. They have a lot of money and build these big, beeeeooootiful webpages, as Trader Jon would have said. However, I'm talking about you and me. Our budgets are a little bit smaller. Some of us have actually had to go to the extremes of learning a little basic html coding so that we could build our first webpages ourselves because we didn't have the money to hire somebody to do it for us.

How could somebody like that compete against major corporations?

Obvious answer....They (we) can't.

There are, however, ways to make your product or service of interest to a large enough audience so as to generate some sales. Using forums is one of these ways. Not only is it an effective way of attracting interested visitors to your website, it falls under the heading of network marketing (here I suggest reading my article, "Network Marketing In Its Purest Form"), which, lo and behold is essentially the easiest way for most of us common internet marketers to attract potential customers. Notice how I snuck that plug in for my other article? That's actually something you might be able to do in a forum.

In the other article, by the way, I hinted that one of the benefits of network marketing was that you got to make friends. Well, that's what often happens in forums. You meet people who share your interests. While those interests can be as serious as you want them to be, many forums also give you the opportunity to have a little fun. As I write this article, a forum I belong to has a story being written three words at a time by members who wander by and feel the urge to be creative. I have copied a list of one-liners from one post and sent them to my sister-in-law who cracked up when she read them. From the same forum, I have gathered information on how to use traffic exchanges to generate traffic to my website, I have learned how to use RSS feeds to enhance the value of my website to my visitors, and how to create splash pages to build my email list, just to name a few topics.

I have corresponded with members from Great Britain, Ireland, Australia, and Malyasia. I have watched as other forum members jumped in, one after the other, to explain and clarify a point which confused a member who was having trouble getting a web page set up properly.

I have had the pleasure of seeing articles, comments, Funny Dirty Jokes, and encouraging remarks of mine appear on the forums I am a member of, as well as reading the articles of others, their comments, Funny Dirty Jokes, and encouraging remarks as well.

I have gained a lot from being a member of these forums, both as an internet marketer, and as an idividual.

And you know what else? At the bottom of every comment, article, or joke I post, there are links to my websites. That's another great thing about forums. No matter whether I post a joke, a serious comment, or a thoughtfully crafted and written work of art such as this article, there will be links to one or more of my websites either in the article itself, or in a signature which the moderators of the forum allow me to add to my comments. The search engines pick up these links and follow them back to my website(s). The readers of the comments follow them back to my website.

Talk about free traffic! I get to interact with friends, maybe offer something of value to them, get something of value from them, learn some new techniques, and maybe a few new Funny Dirty Jokes. Can't beat that!

The author is retired from the Army after 21 years of service. He has worked as an accountant, purchasing agent, optical lab manager, restaurant manager, instructor and long-haul, over-the-road truck driver. He has been a member of Mensa for several years, and has written and published poetry, essays, and articles on various subjects for the last 40 years. He has been an active internet marketer since 2000, and now makes his living online. To learn more about improving your marketing performance, please visit http://marketingsecrets.xtramoney4me.net You may read "Network Marketing In Its Purest Form" at http://xtramoney4me.net/internet_marketing_links/articles/network_marketing.html

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